Recently, most people have been asking me the “What next?” question. You know the one. The one where it’s incredibly awkward to say, “Well, I plan to study, write, do some renovations and work out. That’s it.”
Why me? Why is my path so full of “What if?” and “What next?”s? Why do I love doing everything, and find it impossible to just stick to one vocation until I’m a pro, like some nice, normal person?
I hate not knowing what is ahead, and I hate having not having a predictable income. I hate those looming words TAXES, CAR INSPECTION & MED BILLS that seem to float through the air at year’s end, without a care in the world.
Really, I mostly just hate being out of control.
I went into a field today, and laid on my back looking at the blue of the skies behind wispy clouds, silently sad.
And then it hit me. “Right now, I am doing my favorite thing. I am outside, alone, breathing fresh air, without a single deadline to worry about. WHY should I be sad unless I’d allowed that sneaky little seed of mistrust to grow in my heart?”
I thought of Jesus’ care for me over the past month, and how He surrounded me with wonderful friends, gave me a plane ticket to the Caribbean, and overwhelmed me with His promises at all the right moments.
“Jesus, I’m sorry. I DO trust you. Thank you for giving me freedom!
Because that really is my favorite. .
I came into the house and the first thing I heard was, “Don’t forget to put your registration sticker on before the new year.” What?? My registration?? But…. I already paid for that!”
All along I’d been preparing myself for a $200.00 inspection bill…. but… that’s not what was about to expire! My registration had been paid for weeks ago, leaving me bill-free.
Then I realized how my Father had provided for me long before I noticed Him….. once again.
Do you think, one day, I will fully learn to trust Him?
That’s my goal.